nearly a year of magic

magic is hard to find

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i made a list of
all the things i want to do
and need to do
in order to be happy

and you told me
i would get to do
all of them.

you promised.

i am scared
that my monstergirl
will break that promise
for you.

she’s getting so much stronger.
it feels like
she’ll never stop
sinking her claws into my veins,
drawing out bile i didn’t know
was in me.

the tablets and pills
have no power here.

my monstergirl has been formed
for years.

i just want

to be happy.

(Source: nearlyayearofmagic)

Filed under monsters self harm cutting bipolar depression happiness dreams spilled ink

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my leg is stinging
in that old familiar way
that is half victory march
half howl of despair

with every movement it
presses the wounds
further into my flesh
letting me know

i did the right thing.

i did the right thing?

(Source: nearlyayearofmagic)

Filed under self harm

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there is little room left
over the original scars
and i have begun to branch out,

watching as the monster-girl
stretches out her paper arms
and trails thin nails over
my skin, marking the way
for me to trace,

looking for expanses
on my other leg, looking
for the right merchandise.

every time there is
a blow i cannot handle,
she is there,

telling me it will be fine,
i just need to take her nails
and press, so soft,
into the crimson that runs
inside me, letting the
burnt copper smell
out into the world
for her to feed off of.

i have starved of late,
sought out foods that
would comfort but turn to ash,
foods she uses against me,

sought out words that float
away, thoughts that mean nothing,
hidden behind the wish for me to
just leave them alone.

people will say anything
to make you think they care.
to make you stop talking
or trying to talk
about the girl who takes over
your thoughts and bleeds
you to sleep.

(Source: nearlyayearofmagic)

Filed under self harm self hate depression Suicide monsters anxiety alone cutting

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I have lost the ability
to care about
when I used to care
about everything.

cared too much, perhaps.

cared about the way your
eyes crinkled slightly
at the corners
when you smiled at me and
the glint of your
eyebrow when it raised

the slow stare that
tugged at my belly
and left us grasping
and gasping
at each other.

the tease of your
hand in mine, the slight
swing as we walked,
as absent in the last

I cared, too much,
about the little things,
and not enough the large

we made a place
and I called it ours
but then it became “mine”
and I knew.

I have been trying
to care less

but the raw skin
on my legs
tells me
I still care

too much.

(Source: nearlyayearofmagic)

Filed under nearly a year of magic project love lost love depression self harm cutting girlfriend ex-girlfriend

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the monster girl inside me
glints silver eyes, so seductive
with her sharp words
and softer fingers,
tracing over thin white lines
i worked so hard
to get gone.

she wants me,
you know.

teasing, testing, hurting
my will.
the copper tears she wishes
to see itch under my skin

i can feel them
to be released.

she presses inside my skull,
harsh whispers against
the resolve i spent
so long building.

it should matter.

it doesn’t matter.

(Source: nearlyayearofmagic)

Filed under nearly a year of magic project depression cutting self harm self hate monsters despair escape hurt hopeless spilled ink

1 note

the quiet thrill
of knowing you wanted
me just as badly
as i wanted you.

the new beginning of
us just learning how
to flirt with girls, to see
how they worked.

going to lunch with erin and
jake, and you not being able to
come with, and tweeting out,
for the world to see,
that jake could pretend to
be you at lunch,
but you had planned on being

send little thrills
all down my spine
and through my stomach
up into my throat, and curled
right there,
barely the first tendrils
around my heart
as i dreamt
of where this might go.

we watched mean girls
that night in your
old abandoned house
and lay next
to each other on a blanket,
each carefully not touching the
but wanting to touch
the other.

so cautiously carefully aware
of not touching.

you slept with us that night
at erin’s house
in the same bed
as me.

jokes about being sorry
if i woke with you sprawled
all over me.
neither of us slept for that first hour,
still aware of the proximity
of the other person.
not wanting to move
for fear of touching too soon.

you climbed over me in
the morning and i felt
your presence gone
as keenly as i was aware
of my own skin.

(Source: nearlyayearofmagic)

Filed under nearly a year of magic project girlfriend ex-girlfriend love lost love relationship first encounters spilled ink

1 note

i think part of me
loved you
from the moment i saw you
standing by that car
in the dark,
watching two friends meet
for the first time.

throwing my hoodie at you
over the backseat of the car
as i insisted on rolling
the windows down at one am
in the cool carolina breeze.

hearing the tiny squeak, almost,

"you like girls?!"

part of me loved you
from that very moment
even as i planned
how to move in
and tell you i liked
you more than i
thought was probably wise

after knowing each other
for five minutes.

some part of me loved you
from the first.

(Source: nearlyayearofmagic)

Filed under nearly a year of magic project ex-girlfriend girlfriend love lost love

485 notes

Your entire life has always been about someone else, their needs and their happiness. It’s time to love yourself and live only for yourself. So fuck it. Go do it, do it now. Who cares if you’re afraid? Who cares if you fall on your ass? Yes, this is completely different from anything you have ever done, but maybe that’s exactly what you need. Because this is your time and your life. So fuck em. Fuck all of them. You go fucking shine, baby.
Conversations with my daddy (062714)

(Source: anditslove, via rogersplaidpants)