nearly a year of magic

magic is hard to find

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I have lost the ability
to care about
anything
when I used to care
about everything.

cared too much, perhaps.

cared about the way your
eyes crinkled slightly
at the corners
when you smiled at me and
the glint of your
eyebrow when it raised

the slow stare that
tugged at my belly
and left us grasping
and gasping
at each other.

the tease of your
hand in mine, the slight
swing as we walked,
as absent in the last
months.

I cared, too much,
about the little things,
maybe,
and not enough the large
ones.

we made a place
and I called it ours
but then it became “mine”
and I knew.

I have been trying
to care less

but the raw skin
on my legs
tells me
I still care

too much.

(Source: nearlyayearofmagic)

Filed under nearly a year of magic project love lost love depression self harm cutting girlfriend ex-girlfriend

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the monster girl inside me
glints silver eyes, so seductive
with her sharp words
and softer fingers,
tracing over thin white lines
i worked so hard
to get gone.

she wants me,
you know.

teasing, testing, hurting
my will.
the copper tears she wishes
to see itch under my skin

i can feel them
waiting
to be released.

she presses inside my skull,
harsh whispers against
the resolve i spent
so long building.

it should matter.


it doesn’t matter.

(Source: nearlyayearofmagic)

Filed under nearly a year of magic project depression cutting self harm self hate monsters despair escape hurt hopeless spilled ink

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the quiet thrill
of knowing you wanted
me just as badly
as i wanted you.

the new beginning of
us just learning how
to flirt with girls, to see
how they worked.

going to lunch with erin and
jake, and you not being able to
come with, and tweeting out,
for the world to see,
that jake could pretend to
be you at lunch,
but you had planned on being
flirty

send little thrills
all down my spine
and through my stomach
up into my throat, and curled
right there,
barely the first tendrils
around my heart
as i dreamt
of where this might go.

we watched mean girls
that night in your
old abandoned house
and lay next
to each other on a blanket,
each carefully not touching the
other
but wanting to touch
the other.

so cautiously carefully aware
of not touching.

you slept with us that night
at erin’s house
in the same bed
as me.

jokes about being sorry
if i woke with you sprawled
all over me.
neither of us slept for that first hour,
still aware of the proximity
of the other person.
not wanting to move
for fear of touching too soon.

you climbed over me in
the morning and i felt
your presence gone
as keenly as i was aware
of my own skin.

(Source: nearlyayearofmagic)

Filed under nearly a year of magic project girlfriend ex-girlfriend love lost love relationship first encounters spilled ink

1 note

i think part of me
loved you
from the moment i saw you
standing by that car
in the dark,
watching two friends meet
for the first time.

throwing my hoodie at you
over the backseat of the car
as i insisted on rolling
the windows down at one am
in the cool carolina breeze.

hearing the tiny squeak, almost,

"you like girls?!"

part of me loved you
from that very moment
even as i planned
how to move in
and tell you i liked
you more than i
thought was probably wise

after knowing each other
for five minutes.

some part of me loved you
from the first.

(Source: nearlyayearofmagic)

Filed under nearly a year of magic project ex-girlfriend girlfriend love lost love

486 notes

Your entire life has always been about someone else, their needs and their happiness. It’s time to love yourself and live only for yourself. So fuck it. Go do it, do it now. Who cares if you’re afraid? Who cares if you fall on your ass? Yes, this is completely different from anything you have ever done, but maybe that’s exactly what you need. Because this is your time and your life. So fuck em. Fuck all of them. You go fucking shine, baby.
Conversations with my daddy (062714)

(Source: anditslove, via rogersplaidpants)

1 note

am i really just a fool?


the monster-girl inside my head
has been waking slowly
for weeks, just there
sitting quietly,
nails sharpening against
my psyche as she watches
me fall apart enough
to need her

to think i need her

she comes now, i can
feel her, pushing through
my eyelids and down my
face
dripping salt and fear,
bathing in the uncertainty
of my mind.

which do i follow?

the tiny-girl child is burrowed in,
hibernating with tiny eyes
peering out behind
the barrier she’s built
inside my heart
inside
my head

watching, as i do,
the monster re-emerge.

there was no fight this time.
she has completely
given up.

and i am searching for
the spark.

(Source: nearlyayearofmagic)

Filed under nearly a year of magic project ex-girlfriend monsters depression tears abandoned fear hopelessness

41 notes

writeworld:


Writer’s Block
A picture says a thousand words. Write them.
Mission: Write a story, a description, a poem, a metaphor, a commentary, or a critique about this picture. Write something about this picture.
Be sure to tag writeworld in your block!


as sunlight filters throughdeeply hidden secretsof thoughts and mindsleaves diving blowingthe emptiness of  lack of care or thoughtpeeling back bark to see:is the girl-tree still green? 

writeworld:

Writer’s Block

A picture says a thousand words. Write them.

Mission: Write a story, a description, a poem, a metaphor, a commentary, or a critique about this picture. Write something about this picture.

Be sure to tag writeworld in your block!

as sunlight filters through
deeply hidden secrets
of thoughts and minds
leaves diving blowing
the emptiness of  
lack of care or thought
peeling back bark to see:
is the girl-tree still green? 

(Source: nearlyayearofmagic)

Filed under nearly a year of magic project promt poem writeworld depression suicide awareness